I can't sleep. What I mean is I don't want to sleep. I feel like I should do something useful. agh.. I don't know.
Had kind of a shitty moment within a seemingly decent day. Turns out the place i've been interning at is thinking of hiring an intern who just started a few weeks ago. I've been there for about seven months. I thought I was busting my ass getting noticed and doing some good around there. To this guy's credit though he's been getting a lot of attention/side-jobs from the editors and assistant editors and doing a great job. I feel like that could be me and that I didn't get my chance to shine. But, perhaps I did and just missed it. I'm kind of torn as to what I'm gonna do now. The brash, emotional side of me want to just say "fuck it" and stop volunteering my time to them, maybe try and get a "real" job. Whatever that might be. The other side of me, the logical and strategic side, want's me to take a more pro-active and vocal action towards getting hired. I just don't know how to do that. I don't want to waltz up to the boss and demand a job, overstepping my bounds and get kicked the hell out. Well, at this point i've not a lot to lose with that approach. But also I lack the confidence to do so. Maybe that's holding me back. I don't know. I tell you it's been a trying few hours for me since returning home for the night. I had all these feelings I wasn't sure how to deal with, still not sure. This adult life is harsh man, It sure isn't easy like it used to be. Wanting just isn't enough anymore. I can see the lesser side of my self esteem rear it's beastly head. Consuming me. A part of me wishes that my friends, who work there, would pull for me a little more. But, they've got their own concerns I guess. And I'm sure they feel they've paid their dues as I should. The other thing that upsets me, is that I'm worrying about a job that's so far from my intended goals, that at this point seems ridiculous. I don't want to work in the add industry. I couldn't think of a more uninspired and creatively desolate business to be a part of. I just want to hang out with my friends and get paid for it. I guess really I'm not that hurt that I most likely will not get a job there. I'm just hurt that I can be so oblivious to the world around me, that it takes a friend with no tact to shake the truth out right in front of me. I'm kind of pissed at my friend too. He knows how I've wanted to work there for some time, as he spouts praise for this new kid and plans for a future working environment without me. I suppose this is the emotional side talking. But, even in my most logical, it still sucks.
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5 comments:
I understand.
That sucks, anytime you're doing something like that it sucks to feel like you're pushing and moving and then you feel conned when someone else gets what you've been working for.
It's both emotional and logical.
Sorry Stephen - that blows. No other way to say it.
Thanks Setta!
I actually feel pretty good today, now that I've vented.
this is the nature of the nature of the beast....i have been passed up many a times on jobs and i have been bumped up over others whom perhaps paid more dues then me.
this is the industry...big or small the company the same eb and flow can be found.
the thing is not to take any of it too personally. you know your talents, you know what you want to do, so do what you can little at a time if you have to to make things work for you.
i have had over 25 jobs in my life...people can and will change over a lifetime but work places don't. trust me.
You don't want to be interning at a place like that anyways. It's fun to work with your friends, but being the KING of a chicago post house isn't going to do dick for you.
If you're giving your time up for free, it should look like gold on your resume. You should make a top ten list of dream jobs in chicago, then call them all up telling them you'll work for free.
You know what I'm going to say next. It might be tough getting a job in chicago, but at least in los angeles if you're interning chances are it's for people who make movies.
They're not doing you any favors letting you work for free. They are lucky to have you, remember that.
Hey Stephen. Thanks for telling me about your blog. I had no idea you posted so much here! I guess I took for granted having immediate physical access to you at all times. But, now that I don't I guess I can stop here to read about all your latest triumphs and follies and everything in between.
-jake
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